And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
