I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
