I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
