he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
