So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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