Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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