just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
