my shit smells like andre
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
