I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
