Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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