Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
