You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
do herpes really smell.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
