I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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