why didn't you poke me back
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
