i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions