why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!