Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
