she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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