Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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