i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
