I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
