I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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