i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I checked into jail on foursquare
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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