i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
