I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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