just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
