can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
