Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(209): View more from California

do you want me to make hamburgers?

(541): View more from Oregon

i'm vegan

(209): View more from California

i'll put lettuce on them

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(303): View more from Colorado

if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous

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(213): View more from California

How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear

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(419): View more from Ohio

You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.

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(716): View more from New York

Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF

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