the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Actions speak louder than pants.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Randomize
