She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
My vagina is officially offended.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
