woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
it was like eating out sand paper
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
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Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
We need to feng shui this bitch.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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