I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
