i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
