Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
