My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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