she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
