i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
