If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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