Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
