I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
