bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
