well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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