Pregnant stripper...not hot.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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