my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
