I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
