I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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