I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
