weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Randomize
