I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
