I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
