the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Please, let me fuck your mom
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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