How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
