You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
