I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
We left the knife in your bed.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
