sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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