im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
