I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
