Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
