I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I am in a vortex of obligation.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
