My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It's never too late to be topless.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
