I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
